Let’s talk about something every good BDSM relationship should include, and everyone who plays together should discuss – limits. Limits are basically what you are and are not comfortable with doing. They can be further split up into soft limits and hard limits. Soft limits are things that you’re not sure about, or don’t want to explore yet, or perhaps you will only explore with a partner you truly trust rather than a first time play partner. Hard limits are things that you absolutely will not do. These limits should always be respected.
While it can be hard to talk about, it is important to discuss these things in any relationship, but even more so in a kink relationship or even just with someone you intend to play with for one night. The nature of a kinky scene is to push boundaries and do things that are a little unorthodox compared to regular hook ups or relationships. If you are involving power play, many times the submissive or bottom won’t be able to discuss these limits during the play either, which is another good reason to make your partner aware of them before play. For those who have experienced trauma or abuse, or who have PTSD for any reason, limits can include trigger – things that could send them into a panic attack or anxiety attack.
You set your own limits, but to help you start thinking of your own limits, here are some examples: loud noises, yelling, someone being angry at you, anal, having a sexual organ pressed against you, sexual things in general, bondage, confinement, strangling or choking, knife play, needles or medical play, urine or scat play, degradation, branding or marking.
As you can see, limits will be different for everyone depending on their likes and life experiences. Some people will want their soft limits to be explored and pushed, while others will want them to remain as discussion topics only until it is decided they are ready to explore that limit.
These limits aren’t set in stone. As you change and grow, and have different experiences, even hard limits an change. You might decide after a few years of play, that something isn’t so scary anymore. Or your health might change, and make something possible that wasn’t before, or make it dangerous where it never used to be.
You can use a checklist to go through you limits with a potential partner, which can be very handy, as there are so many things to think of! Talking about your limits can also give you ideas for new things to try too! Perhaps you’ve never heard of hair pulling, but once you talk about it, you want to give it a go? Great! Let your partner know. It’s all about communication. Be open and honest with your partner about your limits, and you will both enjoy your play more, and feel a lot safer! This will also deepen your trust with them.
Not sure where to start? Try this checklist: http://mojoupgrade.com/
Stay Safe, Sane and Consensual kinksters! Until next time!